Why do so many people throw the word ‘love’ around now,

it’s meaning isn’t as poweful anymore, sad story

I hate how much i worry about things. Some of it’s silly from having chipped nail varnish, to my weight and constantly thinking of starting a diet, when i’m not even fat, or chunky in the slightest, infact i constantly get told that i have a petite figure and get compared to a dolly. A model agency even approached me about doing some photographic modelling, not cat walk-i’ll never be tall enough for that, but i lack the self-confidence for it. I don’t know how to handle compliments, sometimes they make me look for more faults with myself, i’m not sure why, i should just be thankful,  when guys talk to you and it isn’t more then a few secounds in, till they comment on your looks, it hits you that that’s the reason they’re talking to you, why does hardly anyone want to get to know eachother anymore? for instance, last night a guy asked me to meet up with him after sending me messages saying how ‘fit’ he thought i was, when i refused he began calling me a dick, wonder what his intentions were? everything has a motive now, where’s the innocence of people gone, so much in this world seems superficial, i mean right if you like someone purely based on looks? what do you want a quick shag? right ok cool, then what, nothing. Like someone because of their personality and how their mind works, then that’s amazing but stupidly rare now why?:(

As for my grades, my parents, teachers have such expectations for me and don’t get me wrong so do i but there’s so much pressure, a few weeks back my german grades flopped and i got put on some kind of behavioral contract just for not getting my target grade of an ‘A’ within the first few weeks of doing it at A-level, i was getting B’s. it was so wrong because people in my class were getting C’s and just because that was their target level, they were praised for it. My law teacher said to my parents how she thinks i can actually get full marks in the January exam. I know i’ve done very well so far with gcses etc but you know when people say you have ‘so much potentiall’, that’s all it is right now ‘potential’, nothing’s guranteed. The thought of letting everyone and myself down, frightens me so much- the thought of not actually living up to your potentiall.

The thing is, once someone means something to me, they really mean something to me. That’s just how it is. And i’m worried about you, showing me the letter you wrote concerning your feelings towards everything happening in your life and head right now, enlightend me to how little i know about you now, infact if we didn’t still have our occasional heart to hearts anymore, i’d hardly recognise your personality anymore, throughout the letter i felt like crying for you, smacking some sense into you, shouting at you and the urge to cuddle and comfort you all at the same time, i’m not sure what went wrong with you but my gosh your head is a horrible place to be right now, i’d love to make you emotionally stronger, give you a great set of friends that’d look after you and her, whilst the rest of the girls and myself can’t be around, then again, i can’t help but feel as though you’re being selfish sometimes, both of you, the amount i’ve done for you over the years and the last few months especially, it’s like you hardly acknowledge or appreciate any of it, a ‘thankyou’ would be so very nice sometimes, some of me wants to completely block you out, i know it sounds harsh but sometimes that’s what i want to do, and fully focus on my new place, the new people but there’s an overrulling part in me, that can’t forget how things were with us all and is still trying to make you happy, trying to keep us together, offering you both, infact all three of you places to stay when you fall out with your parents-feel sad, or even have no food in etc,

i know you all think i’m the constantly smiley one, that gets good grades etc and my family life seems perfect, which credit where it’s due, they are amazing but it always feels as though my feelings are last in the pile with you lot, we are all meant to be bestfriends but in case you hadn’t notice, i hardly tell you anything you put a lot of burden on me sometimes, your thoughts and worries become my thoughts and worries every now and then, i can’t have that all the time, when let’s face it, you hardly do anything for me, infact you can be so rude sometimes, especially one of you, constantly trying to take my stuff, clothes, accesories and even money, friends don’t steal from eachother, they just don’t. Don’t you understand that? You take advantage of my kindness a lot and i dispise that, it’s pushing me further and further away from you. Sometimes it feels like i’m the only stable one, although i know what i’ve wrote on here suggests otherwise but you don’t help yourselves either. If i didn’t love you, it’d be so much easier to tell you all this.

I wrote on you wall last night to ask if something was yours. I purposely didn’t ask on chat or on inbox, to prevent a conversation with you as i knew publicly you would keep it strictly topic based, however you began a private conversation with me, stupid i started repling, six months on, you still had the nerve to tell me you regret cheating on me ‘so much’, that you miss me and the sickest part you inquired about how my family and asked me more personal questions so i said i was going offline so that i didn’t have to talk to you anymore, i felt a sudden rush of all illness inside me again, the sort that came over me when you tried to be forcefull with me, when you constantly asked me for sex-i’m so proud of myself that i never let that happen, it’s the sickness that i felt when you and emily stood outside banging on my house for two hours straight, shouting abuse to me through the letter box whilst i was alone inside, crying my eyes out, my own boyfriend, how could you do that to me? i thought. it’s the sickness i felt when you bombarded me with over a hundred missed calls when i said i couldn’t see you one day, it’s the same sickness i felt when you made two of your friends follow me and one of mine in the dark to check where i was going, it’s the sickness i felt when you ran a knife along my arm saying ‘do you trust me?’, you didn’t hurt me with it- i knew you wouldn’t. It’s the sickness i felt, when i finally confessed to the girls what was going on and their reactions and words they said to me, made me realise how serious everything was. It’s the sickness that was there when i genuinlly beieved you would change and last of all it’s the sickness that shook me when i was told you slept with someone else and the sickness i felt for the following months after.

 I’m over you, completetly. Infact i was for the majority of the time we were together, i was just scared of you, you had a wierd hold on me. I’ve over all that now, i know none of that was my fault and i didn’t deserve that at all, it’s you, you have so many faults, you are so broken and i know you slept with her because  in a sick and twisted way you did actually have some care for me, you knew i didn’t want to but you needed it, when you asked me to ‘fix you’ i felt no desire to, i lost all my care for you instantly. i know you so well, i don’t care what anyone says, i know i do. i know why you did so many of the things you did, infact the majority of them ipredicted, i’m not stupid that’s what still suprises me so much about what happend, i guess that’s why i don’t care about all that now, i’ve forgiven you for it, whatever, it’s just the effect it’s had on me, i’m terrified now of letting myself like someone, so much so, that when i feel as though i could do, i completely back away from it, i don’t know why, i know people arn’t like you at all, that’s just the part that’s still with me.